long time no update.

things here in india are...meh, i suppose. trying to keep an open mind, but its harder and harder each day.

mostly, things dont seem worth it without him. some people say its unhealthy to be that close, but he's my entire world, and without him is like...a part of me is gone, and its killing me slowly. more on this another day possibly. tomorrow maybe, when its the weekend.

i love you <3

xxxNell

buymeaclue - (and everyone else who was wondering)

you were right. it's okay.
:)

<3

xxxNell.

dear life/school; please stop being so ridiculously obnoxious and confusing.

dear parents; please stop being so ridiculously uptight. its ok to be chill every once in a while and im only human, so i do tend to forget things from time to time.

dear body; please stop being sick. i dont like it, and i dont want to be sick for bamboozle. also please dont have gotten boyfriend sick. he's been sick enough as its been.

dear boyfriend; thank you for being so ridiculously amazing and awesome and a million other things that i will never have the words to describe. even if my parents are twats, you always make me feel better, and always know how to cheer me up. iloveyouridiculousamounts.


love (lovelovelove), nellie.

today has been a very good day. very good indeed. Had a very productive lesson with Amie, one of the best I've had in a long time. Then had an awesome time at Spring Fling, and to boot, had a sweet ride to get there too. :) bf's dad caved and let him drive the Mustang. :D

BUT this entry is mostly about what a great ride i had. The funny thing was, once Gaelin got in the indoor, after I got on, he relaxed immediately, and was very loose and working quite nicely through his back for me during my warm up.
....

....

ugh ok, short version because right now i just dont have the strength to type all this...too tired, haha. anyway, Amie is all about positive reinforcement, so instead of her telling me what i was doing wrong and why it was wrong, and telling me to do something to fix it, she would say "ok, that was good, now i want you to try to do this, as you're doing that..", which was very useful for me. and we worked on a little bit of everything- getting Gaelin loose and reaching down into my hand on the flat, so he's not always rooting and pulling me out of the tack, and also on maintaining a rhythm over jumps, even though they were merely little crossrails. but because a lot of our jumping issues are my lack of confidence in the fact that he might not jump them.

so yeah, that's the short version. tomorrow i may post a longer one.

also, Spring Fling = great way to end the week. :D i still have to post pictures for 365 pictures meme. today and yesterday.

i promise i will post three pictures tomorrow.

<3you

xxxNell

i've really been enjoying these last couple of days. it's the last week of spring break, so school starts back up again soon, but its like, two weeks, then a long weekend, then a straight shot to the end of the year, which is june 3rd for me, and some time at the very end of may for the boyfriend :)

but basically, these days i've been staying up late, sleeping in, occasionally going to the barn, and spending the afternoon with jeff. and while most days i tell parents i'll be home before dark, i've been making something up, cause generally we don't leave till like, 11pm....*sheepish grin* and i have to say, he has a tempurpedic bed....its MAD comfy. :D

and most times, we just watch tv all afternoon or whatever. tis a relaxing way to spend one's afternoons, especially with ther one who means the world to you. =]

in other news, i may be moving Gaelin to a new farm, but nothing's for certain yet. And also, this is a bit further in the future, but I'm gonna get my belly button pierced towards the end of July! When I do finally get it done, I'll try to post pics...:D

anyway, that's all I have for now. Hopefully everyone else is doing well.

<33you.

xxxNell

just when I think this boy can't get any more awesome, he continues to amaze me, and I am constantly reminded of how much I love him.

that's all.

:D

<3you

xxxN.

i can now go to sleep a very happy girl. :)

even tho i didnt get to spend my afternoon with my boyfriend, i got to see him tonight for like 20min or something. and that is enough to sate me until tomorrow.:)

so now i will go to bed. and i shall fall asleep happy.

that is all. :)

<3you

xxxN.

ok, so i know not everyone likes valentine's day, but im just so freaking happy right now!!

Jeff gave me...

Chocolates! (I have a feeling their Bridgewater Chocolates too, which are AMAZING!!! :D)
a beautiful white rose, which is currently sitting on the dresser in a water bottle because i dont have a vase, haha
an awesome card that is full of win
and his old Newtown Hook and Ladder shirt, which is like a bajillion sizes too big but its awesome anyway, and I love it. :D

and then i got to spend a fair portion of the afternoon with him.

DAMN I JUST REMEMBERED. i should have told the conants (who im staying w/) that there was a volleyball game that i wanted to watch, then just hung out with Jeff.


FAIL. oh well. we still got to spend time together, so that was good.

anyway, that was my Valentine's Day. I hope everyone else had a good day, even if it wasn't an awesome V-Day.

<3 youuu.

xxxN.

i dont know what to think right now.

i guess all i know is that i love him, and all i want is for him to be happy. thats about the extent of what im thinking at the moment.

<3

xxxN.

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming Hallelujah
we'll make it last forever...

things are gonna be ok. just thought i'd say that.

;)

<3
xxxNell.

a very hearty FUCK YOU.

take your head out of your stubborn irish ass and open your eyes. fuck you, thats what i have to say at this point.

im more hurt than anything else that he didnt talk to me about this, especially if he was serious about this having been on his mind for two weeks. i think thats a lie, because as far as i know, three days ago he was fine, but the fact that he didnt talk me about this is what hurts.

so now, im turning that hurt into pure anger. helps me deal, i'm better at being hurt and ticked off than just totally hurt. anger helps me deal.

so fuck you if you really dont want this. all i really want is for you to be happy, and if you're happier without me, then ok. but im pretty sure you won't be. as far as i know, you're happier with me than without. but then, maybe i don't really know.

maybe all those things you said to me were just empty promises, empty lies. how many times have you said any of that to some other girl? you see where my anger is coming from now? a place of fear, where i'm not sure if its the truth or just empty promises. if you want this, and can prove to me you really, REALLY do, then i'm willing to give you another chance.

what you say that its gonna be, i try to believe you, not today...

i can understand where you're coming from- the age difference freaks you out a bit. what i dont understand is why now? it never seemed to stop you before. so what's got this in your head?

so maybe when you go to college, and if i go to india (looking more and more possible) maybe a year off, i could understand that if you wanted to make it work afterward, but this...it just doesnt make any FUCKING sense to me. and you were so FUCKING random about it too. just...RIGHT in the middle of a conversation. what. the. fuck. seriously.

this needs to be a two-way relationship, you have to talk to me, and i'll talk to you, but otherwise, this won't work. i dont know about you, but i want to make this work.

i'm willing to fight for what i want, are you?

tomorrow, it may change....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S164mbRuZeE


<3

xxxN.

i love tuesdays.

what started out as a crappy day because i hadnt slept well, then didnt get coffee at breakfast ended up to be pretty awesome.

tuesdays in general are good because they're an easy day- math first block, then a free, then break (20 minutes) then english, lunch, and a double free in the afternoon.

so today, went to the meeting about the india trip next year (more on that later), and was feeling kinda down afterwards, for reasons i will get into later as well.

went to find jeff at gibson. now, the rules at school are, girls arent allowed anywhere inside a boy's dorm except right inside the front door.

it was end of i-block and beginning of f- block, which we both have off, and there wasnt really anyone in gibson, so jeff snuck me up into his room.

(NO, what you are thinking did not happen, for those of you thinking it.)

anyway, we spent a good...oh, almost 2 hours or so cuddling on scott's bean bag chair (cuse its big and comfy). [fyi, it's really scott's dorm room, jeff is the day student in there. in case some of you got confused.]

also, with the cuddling came sleeping and a fair amount of making out. =] we had a few difficulties sneaking me back out, as it was after 3pm (when classes end), but we got me down the fire escape because the martins (dorm parents + their family) weren't home. nick raf and farsh saw me i think, plus a few other guys, but they're all pretty nice guys, so i dont really think i need to worry. i owe nick raf big time though, cuse he did a double take when he saw me and then told me to hurry up outta there. :D

ethan (+ a few other guys) were giving jeff shit about it, which was fairly amusing to listen to, but like i said, i dont think i need to worry too much.

rebellion is so much fun.

so yea, day ended really well. will was ticked off that i was late again, but its a minor price to pay to spend time with my boyfriend.

then went to the barn to ride, Gaelin was awesome!! figured out how to stop him from swapping off leads in the left lead canter when he starts feeling unbalanced, and got some amazing trot work in too.

anyway, thats about it for now. maybe later tonight or sometime tomorrow i'll post about india and such. thats going to be sorta long i think. or at least filled with some angsty moments, so be aware.

peace to you.

<3
xxxN.

i have to fight this.
i need to fight this-
-- no- not just have to, and
need to for the facade i put up for
everyone around me [except you, never you]-
but i want to fight this. yes, i
have to fight it, its a constant
battle not to fall back into the dark
abyss- but this time, this is a battle
i want to fight, that i want to
overcome, or at least hold off-
for me - more than anything to prove
i can - that there is hope, this is
possible, even if someone else thinks
its not - but also for us- for this and
for us- but mostly, for myself -
[has to be a battle i want to fight,
has to be for myself and it is] -to say
i did, and that you can - rescue is
possible, HOPE is the movement- LOVE
is the movement - tonight the battle begins -
it won't be easy, i know that much -
but the battle begins, love has started,
victory is possible.
i can beat this.

[ i can see it as you turn to stone
still clearly i can hear you say
"don't leave, don't give up on me"
two weeks and you ran away
i remember, don't lie to me
couldn't see it was not that way
swear i never gave up on you...]
- Two Weeks, All That Remains

[ and we're nothing short of invincible]
[ it starts again, can you feel it,
it takes your breath away
start saying that we're invincible...]
- Reinventing Your Exit, UnderOath

[ a logical progression on the timeline
the separation narrowed down to a fine line
to blur the edges so they blend together properly
take you on an audible odyssey now
it's goin' down
put it out for the world to see
LP and X-Men to the tenth degree
it's goin' down
nobody in the world escapes
when we melt down the wax
in your record grave...]
- It's Goin' Down, Linking Park & X-Ecutioners

[and i hear
this calling
still you don't
seem so far at all....]
- This Calling, All That Remains

<3

xxxNell.


[[end transmission, 9.12 pm.]]

you wait, wanting this world to let you in
and you stand there,
a frozen lght
in dark and empty streets
and you smile hiding behind
a God given face
and I know you're so much more
everything they ignore
is all i need to see

and you're the only one i ever believed in
the answer that could never be found
the moment you decided to let love in
now i'm banging on the door of an angel
the end of fear is where we begin
the moment we decided to let love in

i wish
wishing for you to find your way
and now i hold on
for all you need, its all we need to say
and i take my chances
while you take your time with this
game you play
but i can't control your soul
you need to let me know
you leaving or you gonna stay

and you're the only one i ever believed in
the answer that could never be found
the moment you decided to let love in
now i'm banging on the door of an angel
the end of fear is where we begin
the moment we decided to let love in

there's nothing we can do about
the things we have to live without
the only way to feel again
is let love in
there's nothing we can do about
the things we have to live without
the only way to see again
is let love in

you wait, wanting this world to let you in...

and you're the only one i ever believed in
the answer that could never be found
the moment you decided to let love in
now i'm banging on the door of an angel
the end of fear is where we begin
the moment we decided to let love in

the moment we decided to let love in

the moment we decided to let love in....

&hearts;

xxxN.

I have such an epic love for this band.

Lifehouse-- "Storm"


Lifehouse- "Everything" (this song can be interepreted any way you want, this is the original one i first saw...)

<33

xxxN.

currently untitled, and i should mention this was written to the tune of "ready to fall", by rise against (mostly), and "voices" by disturbed (a lot less)...

now i'm conscience
of this heart
that beats
pattern, rhythm
and it all
makes sense to me
this place used to
be dark, empty
a heart that would beat
but had no life
no soul
merely beating
just because
there was no other reason
but to beat
but to live
because i had to
but now this heart
beats for a reason
but now i live
for a reason
and now it all
makes sense to me
and now my reason to live
is you.


~~~~~
<3
xxxN.

not my pictures, credit is unknown. snagged from google.



November 13th, 2008. 2nd Annual To Write Love On Her Arms Day. my pictures will come later when I have a camera.

<3
xxxN.

ok, so here's a bit of an elaboration after last night's very random and happy post..

two nights ago, i had this REALLY pleasant dream that jeff and i were at some all school invited party, thrown by one of the kids in my grade at his house (unimportant). anyway, alcohol and booze and all that shit was there, being served, open for public use, whatever you wanna call it. but jeff was my ride there and home, so he stayed sober throughout the night. during the party i had been somewhat flirting shamelessly with a bunch of guys, but then i noticed jeff was watching me and one part jealous and one part annoyed. so i went over to him and sat on his lap (*ahem* sideways on his lap, i should make that clear), asking him if he was ok. he said he was, just tired.
 
he sounded jealous though, you know? anyway, long story short, my arms were around his neck, his arms were around my waist and there ended up being kissing. lots of really nice kissing. :) but then he got all freaked out and thought he had just seriously fucked up our friendship, and i kinda ducked my head to hide my laugh, and then he really freaked out cuse he thought i wasnt interested in him or anything, but then i looked back up at him and told him he was thinking too much, and that there needed to be more kissing and less talking. so yea, lots of kissing. really, really nice kisses. =]]

so, to the "good omen" bits. I was talking w/ E last night, and told her about my dream, and how i was really happy cuse it was such a nice dream, but sad because it wasn't real, and she said not to be too down about it, cuse she likes to think of those kinds of dreams as a good omen.

[can anyone see where this is going yet??]

anyway, later last night, jeff and i were talking, and he was having some serious girl issues, conflicting over whether or not to tell "this girl" that he liked her as more than a friend, cause he didn't want to lose her friendship if she wasn't interested, even though he was pretty sure that she was interested. So I told him to just tell her anyway, even though it might cost him their friendship. I said I was sorry that that was the best I could come up with at the moment, and he said it was ok, he might as well tell her anyway.

Then proceeded to tell me.

Ohh man. I was freaking out with joy. You have no idea how happy I was. I think I sorta momentarily freaked him out cuse it took me a second for my brain to return to coherency, but we basically managed to figure out that we've both liked each other as more than friends for a while, and we were just both afraid that the other wasn't interested and didn't want to lose a perfect friendship.

So, now we are officially dating.

*GRIN*

I have a boyfriend, and his name is Jeff, and he is so beyond awesome. and I definitely love him.

xxxNell.

can i just say?

I FRICKING LOVE GOOD OMENS.

more on this later, when i can type coherently. all this cuse of my awesome boyfriend. we're smooth at figuring this shit out. really, we are.

xxx a very happy Nell.