made it through the night. went out with the bf and friends last night and had a few drags of his cigarette (i should point out i dont normally smoke- i like my lungs thanks very much) plus drank half a mountain dew and a full monster. so to say the least, i was buzzing with energy in my head/body last night and it took me til 3am to fall asleep. with a lot of tough thoughts. i thought i had beaten the darkness, but i guess the darkness finds ways to creep in when you don't expect it.

wanna get love tattooed somewhere. idk where though, and idk how. i want it to be cool, and i want it to mean something. i dont want it to just be there ya know?

hey now, the past is told by those who win my darling, what matters is what hasn't been. hey now, we're wide awake and we're thinking, my darling- believe your voice can mean something.

-futures, jimmy eat world.

i really like the last line- "believe your voice can mean something"

i also have this other idea, something i drew up in india. its a wordart drawing, which i did a lot of. the whole thing says "SUICIDE is not a disease. you won't catch it from being next to me. RESCUE IS POSSIBLE. END THE FEAR."

the idea stemmed from the thought that people are afraid to talk about things like depression and suicide and suicidal thoughts. but to talk about it means to get it out there, to get it off your chest, and to clear the elephant that you feel is in the room. for some of us, talking about it talks us out of it. it helps and it saves us. so talking about it is good. people are afraid to, because those who feel these things don't know how to approach the subject, and don't know who they can trust or who won't judge them. and the people who listen don't always know what to say. i don't blame them. its not an easy topic. but by talking about it, you can help someone- and sometimes, you might just save their lives.

so i want to get "end the fear" tattooed somewhere with either "twloha" or "to write love on her arms" somewhere underneath it. or something related to to write love on her arms. some people don't always know why i believe so much in them- its because TWLOHA is inspiration to find help, find hope, and to give light to the darkness. to not let the darkness win. and because i know what its like to be there. to be in that position where you feel totally helpless. rescue. hope. love. all these things are possible.

stop the bleeding. rescue is possible. love is the movement.

hope everyone is doing well.

loveyou.

xxNell